Why Don't They Just Leave?
We have all seen the statistics. It takes an average of 7 times before being able to leave an abusive relationship for good. As an outsider looking in, it is frustrating to see people continue to put themselves, and sometimes their families, in harm’s way by staying with an abusive partner. However, we are going to look a little deeper into why some people decide to stay in such relationships, in order to find compassion and understanding for those in abusive relationships, but most importantly, how we can help as bystanders.
People stay in abusive relationships for a multitude of reasons. The most common are financial dependency, self-esteem, embarrassment, and fear of reprisal.
Financial Dependency
Financial abuse can be seen in many different ways, and even though not all of the forms of this type of abuse are seen in relationships, studies show that a form of financial abuse is common in 99% of domestic violence cases. Additionally, much of the financial abuse occurs from the very beginning of the relationship.
Financial abuse leads to financial dependency on the abuser by the victim having a lack of accessible funds, limited to no savings, and bad credit. Victims can not leave an abuser without the means to house and feed themselves, and this amplifies when children are involved. 28% of all homeless families became homeless due to domestic violence.
What can we do to help?
If you are financially able to assist a friend or family member in need, you can provide funds to get them and their children to a safe place or you can donate to non-profit organizations that provide funds to victims of abuse to leave their abuser. If you do not have the funds, no problem, if you have the space, allow your friends and loved ones to sleep in your home. You can also provide them with a ride away from the abuser if they need transportation. Additionally, you can continue to educate yourself on the warning signs of financial abuse in order to best support your loved ones who may find themselves in this situation.
Helpful Resources:
Statistic showcasing the cycle of domestic abuse. Photo from Huffington Post.
Self-Esteem
Similar to financial abuse, effects on the victim’s self-esteem begins in the beginning of the relationship with an abuser. Additionally, people with low self-esteem prior to an abusive relationship are more at risk of becoming a victim of domestic violence in the future. Lack of self-esteem causes oneself to believe that the abuse that is occurring to them is their fault, they deserve it, and in some cases, one believes that their partner is an amazing significant other and they are so lucky to be with them. In an abusive relationship, self-esteem decreases exponentially over time, making it harder to leave the longer they are in the relationship.
Even worse, children who are witnesses or victims of domestic abuse have an increased risk of developing low self-esteem. Additionally, some children who grow up in an abusive home, develop into adults that repeat the abusive behavior to their partners. Both cases increase the cycle of domestic abuse for future generations.
What can we do to help?
Trying to assist a loved one in an abusive relationship who suffers from low self-esteem is very difficult to navigate. As a bystander, you can see the abuse, and the dozens of red flags in the beginning, but your loved one may not. By being too direct and forceful with your observations, you could cause them to be more ashamed of themselves and potentially pick their partner over you, isolating themselves further: this can be made worse by a partner who is gaslighting and causing additional confusion to your loved one.
What you can do is to listen to them, be supportive, do not criticize, and to continue to be a trustworthy friend that they feel comfortable going to for help. As stated earlier, it takes an average of 7 times for a victim to leave their partner. Your loved one may call you for help, they may leave, but very likely they will return. Do not judge them if they do, you want to make sure that the next they call to leave, they know they can call you again.
Persons Victimized by an Intimate Partner in Lifetime, by Victim Gender, Type of Victimization, and Victim Race, US Department of Justice
Embarrassment
I touched slightly on this in one of my previous blog posts, but we’ll discuss different situations here. When a victim realizes they are in an abusive relationship, embarrassment, or fear of others’ disapproval can cause them to stay. For example, a victim could have been in an abusive relationship for months, even years before fully understanding their situation. Additionally, the victim could be living together, engaged, married, or have children with their abuser. After concluding they are in an abusive relationship, it is traumatizing to think of the time spent with an abusive partner.
In addition to personal shame, a person may feel unable to tell family and loved ones that they are calling off an engagement, or seeking a divorce, for fear of embarrassment. Especially in the age of social media, it feels like everyone is aware of changing relationship statuses, and in an age when marriage is treated like an accomplishment, leaving a relationship can feel like a failure.
Additionally, men constitute 15% of domestic violence survivors but are less likely to come forward. Toxic masculinity leads to male victims not being believed by law enforcement, and shame for using resources that are centered and advertised to women only.
What can we do to help?
Be as supportive of your friends’ and families’ relationships beginnings as you are about their ends. Do not say things such as “you were so good together”, “I don’t understand how this happened, everything seemed fine?”, “I really liked him/her, are you sure you won’t get back together later?” You may not know what went on behind closed doors, or how hard it was for them to leave. Being too sympathetic could be causing excess embarrassment.
Also, believe survivors of all genders, ethnicities, and sexualities Removing biases around who the typical domestic abuse victim is encourages more people to seek help.
Fear of Reprisal
Fear of leaving an abusive partner is something that can be more terrorizing than staying in the relationship itself. A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered in the few weeks after leaving her abusive partner than at any other time in the relationship. Abusers may threaten harm against the children, themselves, or other loved ones, if the victim doesn’t stay in the relationship. Abuser’s can also threaten to receive full custody of the children, or partial custody leaving the child alone in the house with an abuser.
Fear is amplified for additional threats for certain demographics. An abuser may threaten deportation against their partner if they are undocumented. An abuser can threaten to expose their victim’s sexuality to their family, friends, work places, teachers, if they were keeping it a secret. A victim with physical disabilities that relies on their abuser for care and basic needs will no longer have the assistance.
What can we do to help?
If there is a fear of retaliation from the abuser, do not disclose the victim’s whereabouts to anybody after they leave. They may be in a hotel, in a domestic violence support shelter, or in your home, but no one outside of who the survivor trusts to know where they are can know. If the abuser owned a firearm, try and discuss the option with the survivor of filing for a protective order with authorities. The Gun Control Act prohibits the ownership of a firearm or ammunition while there is a protective order placed against you in a domestic violence case. Ownership of a firearm increases the risk of homicide of the victim by 500%.
Help your loved one find legal assistance to help with any threats against children custody or immigration if needed. Also, help your loved one search for medical assistance, or try and make yourself available to help if you can if needed; and always, listen to your loved one, allow them to know they are in control and safe when they come to you for help.
IMPORTANT ORGANIZATIONS:
These are organizations that provide assistantship to those experiencing domestic violence. Donate to them if you can, or keep numbers in your phone just in case a loved one needs it.
Hotlines for Everyone:
National Domestic Hotline: 800-799-7233
National Domestic Hotline (En Espanol): 800-787-3324
Hotline for Children or Youth:
Love is Respect: 866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522
Hotline for Native Americans:
Strong Hearts: 844-762-8483
Hotline for LGBTQIA+:
The Northwest Network: 206-568-7777
Resources for Military Personnel:
Military One Source: Family Assistance Program 800-342-9647
Please comment below if there are any additional services that should be added to this list!